Catheters: the final frontier. No that’s not the working title of a Star Trek movie – it’s a suggestion that catheters might be the last taboo out there. People don’t talk about catheters – they’re icky, they’re urological, they’re below-the-belt...

Under his stage name of Paul Kerensa, Paul is an award-winning stand-up comedian and comedy writer, with credits including BBC1’s Miranda, Not Going Out and Top Gear, while performing at comedy clubs across the UK three nights a week.

It’s been a change for me this year. Where normally I try and act like everything’s normal, I’ve finally realized that there are times when it’s worth making a song and dance about our access needs

We all love a nice clean, hygienic public bathroom. Alas at large outdoor festivals, they’re rarer than a free hospital parking space...

You might think of your medical oddity as a disability or a quirk, a mild obstacle or a giant felled tree in life’s road. Whichever it may be, ideally as little as possible will stop us doing what we want to do. Don’t let the bladders win, etc. So, this summer, for me, that meant: a music festival...

One final canine moan...

When you’ve got a dog in the house, or kids, or a live-in parent, or more than one of the above, everything takes longer. I tried leaving the house yesterday...

The cath-user’s life is generally manageable... until others come along and complicate things. We can’t live like hermits, but in-comers do make things trickier...

“…que sera sera.” I’ve now got two young children. To be honest, that surprised me as much as anyone. As a life-long catheterizer, I’d had a whole host of health ponderings, quandaries, queries and downright never-gonna-happens. I was always told growing up, “No children for you.” Well I wasn’t always told. It would be a bit harsh to hear that daily. But I was always dimly aware that children were...

Learning to self-cath at school brought challenges, as you’d expect. There were specific problems, moments that stick in the brain. I vividly recall a whole morning stuck in the...

I don’t know whether it was for a medical reason or just an age thing. But after eight years of just unplugging a permanent catheter (well, a succession of different ones thankfully – one for eight years would be ill-advised), it was time to gain my independence. I became a self-catheterizer.

It was an alarming change. Every time I needed...

My first post on this blog mangled a bit of Shakespeare. Let’s do that again with this misquote from Twelfth Night: “Some are born catheterizers, some achieve catheterizing, others have catheters thrust upon them.”
Alright, that sounds wrong. But the point I’m clumsily reaching for is that...

The tour of my ‘Navelless Gazing’ one-man comedy show may be over – in fact, it was only a dozen or so dates. But while I return to doing my more generic, jokey stand-up act, the urological comedy show is in the back pocket. Along with the catheter.

I might have a chance...

One quirk of doing a stand-up show about my bladder condition is that friends might come to see it; folks I’d known for 30 years heard, for the first time, about my odd bathroom habits at one of my gigs. Via jokes, I’m happy to say, but still, it means I had to face them afterwards. They were...

The stand-up comedy show I’ve been touring this year was called ‘Navelless Gazing’. Finally, a chance to put catheters out there – whether audiences wanted them or not.

All right, I stopped short of...

Oh the irony. I’m a sit-down cather but a stand-up comic. When others sit or stand, I do the opposite, facing the other way, going against the flow. A bit like a catheter really. (Sorry, is that too far? Us comedians, we never can tell.)

Occasionally you want to...

In this, our fourth and final glance at attending a wedding from a catheter user’s perspective, I should say: I do like weddings really. And I’m not a socially anxious person; I just like to plan. But you tell me about one wedding that didn’t drag on at least an hour too long, and I’ll show you a bunch of tired guests secretly wishing they’d not agreed to share a lift home at midnight.

Like drunk uncles attempting The Macarena on the dancefloor, timings have a tendency to slip. So at weddings...

The last couple of blogs have seen us at a bachelor party, at a wedding ceremony... and now we’re at the reception. Which of course means an immediate glass of fizz.

I don’t want to sound like your mom, but don’t forget...

If you’re a catheterizer, you’re probably also a bit of a planner. So, if you’re crossing the country to get to a wedding, you leave early. Of course, everyone leaves early for a wedding, especially with weekend road works and a ceremonial deadline. But throw a wonky bladder into the mix, and you head off hours in advance, all the while updating Google Maps.

On this occasion...

Ah, weddings. I’m sure we all feel a mix of joy and dread as the invitation lands on the doormat. We’re happy for the happy couple, sure. So there’s joy, or perhaps expanded to it’s full word, j(eal)o(us)y. But planning for the specific day itself can lead to... 

Perhaps like me, you’re a lifelong urologee (my word invention). Or perhaps at some point life has thrown you into the world of urinary diversion and uppity bladders. Either way, it’s possible that your medical CV has steered your career path too. For my specific condition (the relatively rare bladder exstrophy), I heard of an occupational study pointing to a remarkably high proportion of us going into either...

I’ve blogged previously about the pitfalls of travel as a cath user – and most of those can be solved by planning ahead. Thankfully most work trips are planned within an inch of their lives. The few I’ve been on have come with...

Us cath users like routine. Most 9-to-5 jobs like routine too. So the two should mix really well, right?

Ugh – we know the truth. Two routines don’t make a right – in fact they can overlap, clash, and bump into each other like two figure skaters practising on the same rink. Some routines need a bit of extra care and timing if they’re going to work alongside each other.

Let’s say you’re starting a new office job...

As for the destination itself, thinking of these things in advance might mean less worry while ‘en vacance’. So watch out for...

“Step to one side please, sir...”

To the airport! These buildings take long enough to pass through, even when you haven’t got a heavily-laden bladder slowing you down (did you pack your bladder yourself, sir?). My three tips here are...

It’s vacation season!

Well, it depends where you are in the world. And when you read this. And what the weather’s like. Alright, it’s vacation season in some places – and let’s not allow our health to stop us travelling if we want to.

No rush

Let’s wrap things up on all this bedroom talk, and go back to non-awkward tales of going down the pub or leaving catheters on planes. If you’ve got any concerns, it’s worth a) speaking to a medical professional, but b) making sure it’s someone who you feel is understanding and helpful...

Before the bedroom, the bathroom…

It’s good to keep your partner loosely informed about your ‘medicalness’ in advance of any ‘bedroomness’. Then again, information and guesswork can cause uncertainty – so I’d be ready for a bit of handholding: being upfront, mature and reassuring. You don’t have a problem with it, so why should they? (Alright, maybe you do have a problem with it – but there’s a time and a place for problems.) Me? I make a joke of it. I’ve got the odd scar. Yeah, I took on both sharks at once, what of it? And I was in ‘Nam – did I mention that?

Okay, so you’ve made it to the bedroom. Hypothetically, I mean. It’s unlikely you’re reading this in some intimate moment right now. But let’s imagine you’ve got that far. What’s got you here? A degree of confidence, I imagine. Also perhaps time, patience and understanding have been part of the journey too – so cling to all of these.

Right. Steady yourself. Last time we looked at the social side of dating. What to talk about and when, with regards to our flexible friend Cath (-eter). This time, it’s not When Dating Goes Wrong. It’s almost worse: When Dating Goes Well. Gulp.

To date or not to date? Many of us put hurdles in our way, and catheters are just one such barrier. If you’re imagining a giant barrier made of catheters, good – because we’re about to try and push through it. Turns out, they can be quite flexible really, so hopefully they won’t slow us down for long.

If you’re a cath user, that needn’t tie you to your home, unless you have literally tied the catheters in a giant chain that somehow shackles you to your radiator. In which case, that’s a bit strange. Hey, good news about those flexible plastic tubes: they are indeed flexible. You can take them anywhere. So let’s.

Use and throw?
There are different opinions on using-and-throwing or re-using catheters. I think it depends on the country/healthcare plan/who’s paying for the catheters. I spent a decade or two re-using the same catheter for a whole week before replacing. Then was advised to use and throw instead. And what do you know? I had a lot less UTIs. So if you can afford to use and throw, I’d certainly recommend it.

I’ve heard rumours...

The Waiting Game
Get used to making people wait. Not just strangers outside public bathrooms, but friends waiting in the pub or café or parking lot or Laser Quest or wherever. Those closest to you will know and get it and perhaps bring a book (smartphones make it easier nowadays on those left waiting…). Those who don’t know you as well might wonder, so I use tricks like

Out and about

I use one type of cath for the home (where I run tap water on the cath to coat it) and a different one out and about that’s got a squeezy liquid pack inside the packaging (because it’s a tricky dash from sink to stall).

Sometimes I use disabled toilets. Generally I don’t. Because when I have done, even though I’m within my urological rights to, I feel guilty

Ready for part 4 of my ‘Self-Cath 101’ series? I thought so.

It takes all sorts
There are different sorts of cath. In-dwelling stays in; intermittent means you’re using it, well, intermittently. Some have liquid inside the plastic wrapping, ready to pop and coat the cath in all it needs for a smooth journey. With others you need to add separate lubricant. Some are long and unwieldy, some are compact and discrete.

We’ll continue ‘Self-Cath 101’ with advice that you’ll have almost certainly heard before. But I’m going to say it again (and again)…

Here’s the next installment in my ‘Self-Cath 101’ series. Today’s lesson can be summarised in one word…

Relax

If you’re feeling discomfort (due to self-catheterizing, I should say, not due to reading this), then maybe you’re not relaxed.

So for whatever reason, your bladder needs a bit of help taking its contents to broad daylight. The delivery system used by most people (ie. peeing) is experiencing ongoing engineering works – so you have to rely on the replacement bus service: the catheter.

In the ‘Self-Cath 101’ series of blogs, I’m building up a Beginner’s Guide. (I’m more interested in the social side than the toiletary side, but before we get to the pub, let’s go to the bathroom…).

For my first blog, well, it’s Shakespeare’s four-hundredth birthday this year, so nodding to his Seven Ages of Man, here are Seven Ages of Cathing…